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View Poll Results: See topic question
Get a divorce 22 66.67%
Live in a dead relationship till the kids get older. 11 33.33%
Voters: 33. You may not vote on this poll

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  #1  
Old 12-18-2005, 11:24 PM
mrcfo mrcfo is offline
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Divorce Vs. Staying in a loveless marriage with kids.

Say you're in a 6 year old marriage, early 30s with 2 kids aged between 2 and 4. The marriage is dead, not because either of you cheated, but the love is simply not there anymore and there is nothing that either of you can restore it. In this case, (assuming your husband is willing to live a sexless and loveless marriage with you until the kid grows up or get a divorce, ok theretically the first part wouldnt work, but just for arguments sake he does) and the decision is totally up to you, which path would you take and why?
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Old 12-19-2005, 12:36 AM
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Re: Divorce Vs. Staying in a loveless marriage with kids.

Damn, I didn't realize this was the women's forum sorry.
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Old 12-19-2005, 07:57 AM
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Re: Divorce Vs. Staying in a loveless marriage with kids.

a loveless/sexless marriage will takes its toll on both parties as well as the kids. you might not think it'll fuck up the kids, but chances are, it will. kids can see right through the fake-and-strained marriage. i am all for divorce in that situation as long as it's amicable.
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Old 12-19-2005, 03:27 PM
mrcfo mrcfo is offline
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Re: Divorce Vs. Staying in a loveless marriage with kids.

QUOTE:
Originally Posted by moJo
a loveless/sexless marriage will takes its toll on both parties as well as the kids. you might not think it'll fuck up the kids, but chances are, it will. kids can see right through the fake-and-strained marriage. i am all for divorce in that situation as long as it's amicable.
Isn't this the older generation of Asian "married" couples do though? My parents have a friend who basically are only married in name only and just for their 12 year old sons sake are they not getting divorced.

Furthermore, a distant great uncle in Vietnam who is approaching 89, his wife is 88, has lived together for over 25 years without speaking to each other and they have 6 kids, 14 grandchildren and 4 great grandchildren.

I suppose its the cultural difference and stigma and especially for women, no potential candidates in future if there is a divorce
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Old 12-19-2005, 03:42 PM
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Re: Divorce Vs. Staying in a loveless marriage with kids.

QUOTE:
Originally Posted by mrcfo
Isn't this the older generation of Asian "married" couples do though? ...I suppose its the cultural difference and stigma and especially for women, no potential candidates in future if there is a divorce
It seems like the attitude towards divorce is changing though, at least for Asians in the US. Sample size notwithstanding, I know of four divorced women who had kids; although only one of them remarried, the women and kids all seem to be doing ok, if not better than the kids from the dysfunctional marriages. For some reason after the divorce the fathers disappeared.
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Old 12-20-2005, 01:59 AM
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Re: Divorce Vs. Staying in a loveless marriage with kids.

One one hand, staying in the marriage would make things a lot easier in terms of having the children with you 365 days a year. With a divorce you'll have to share them and go for days without seeing your children, with shared custody.

Yet if you separate now at ages 2 and 4, chances are the children will grow up most of their lives not as traumatized as opposed to if they're older. When they're older they can see the strained relationship much more clearly, and become a lot more hurt seeing their family tearing apart.

I'm not sure about a loveless marriage with the "love simply not being there anymore". I don't buy it for one second. Perhaps it's just me? But there are specific reasons why I fall in love with someone. I know exactly why I love them, when and how, the things they do or what they say, their interests, their character and every flaw.

To say that to wake up one day with absolutely nothing, no romantic love left, is a little questionable in itself. Surely one of you felt something slipping months ago. Both didn't care to remediate. Why? Were both so caught up in other aspects of their lives to just eventually stop noticing each other? How?

I have drifted apart from exes in the past but they were because of specific reasons, sometimes even catalysts. But there have always been reasons and along each step there was always a decision. I'm bothered more that the marriage apparently upped and became "loveless". Children will be okay as long as they're nurtured with love, respect and discipline. If it means a divorce, so be it. But I sure as hell would not give up without a clear reason or an agreement of how and why so and so did not work out in the end.
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Old 12-20-2005, 02:28 PM
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Re: Divorce Vs. Staying in a loveless marriage with kids.

QUOTE:
Originally Posted by mrcfo
Say you're in a 6 year old marriage, early 30s with 2 kids aged between 2 and 4. The marriage is dead, not because either of you cheated, but the love is simply not there anymore and there is nothing that either of you can restore it. In this case, (assuming your husband is willing to live a sexless and loveless marriage with you until the kid grows up or get a divorce, ok theretically the first part wouldnt work, but just for arguments sake he does) and the decision is totally up to you, which path would you take and why?
I have a lot of married friends so I've known plenty of people who have been in a similar situation. IMHO, too many people have unrealistic expectations. They expect bombs and fireworks to go off every day and that's not how life is. Once you've been together for a long time, especially if you are married or living together, things die down. You don't get as excited anymore when you hear his voice, you don't want to have sex as often, you need some space from him, you may even find him less attractive, etc. That's normal. I don't know what the problem is because you provided little information but from what I've seen of friends who are in that situation, sometimes the problem is their unrealistic expectations. They also become busy with the routines in life...work and raising their children. They don't spend much time alone together and after a while, it becomes a marriage of convenience. My suggestion is to go for martial counseling and if that does not work, then you should go your own ways. Divorce is a horrible thing but you are setting a negative example for your kids because they may grow up believing that is what a marriage should be like.

My friends who have left their husband or wife because they felt the love was not there anymore usually end up regretting it. Why? Because they felt there was a lot they could've done to try and salvage their marriage and it was not as bad as they thought it was. So please think things through before taking drastic measures. You should always weigh the pros and cons.
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  #8  
Old 12-20-2005, 04:50 PM
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Re: Divorce Vs. Staying in a loveless marriage with kids.

what do you mean by loveless?
no sparks?
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  #9  
Old 12-20-2005, 09:42 PM
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Re: Divorce Vs. Staying in a loveless marriage with kids.

my parents got a divorce when i was 15. i must say, at first, i was pretty upset by it. however, i didn't realize until it was no longer happening how much my parents' tension had affected me. they tried things before the divorce and stayed married much longer than they wanted for me and my brother's sake, but i really wish they would've just done it when they wanted. many vacations and such were pretty depressing because of their incessant arguing. after they divorced, they were both happier, things were quieter, i was happier. end of story.
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Old 04-29-2006, 02:32 AM
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Re: Divorce Vs. Staying in a loveless marriage with kids.

QUOTE:
Originally Posted by applehead
what do you mean by loveless?
no sparks?
No affection. No kind words. No hugging. Arguments. Don't even want to be in the same bed with the person.

Knowing how divorce affects kids, it's hard to think of doing that to them.

Now, if the other person is a loon, then you got to think about your sanity and that of the kids' as well.

I used to think that affairs were bad, but, you know ...
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Old 08-03-2007, 06:08 AM
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Re: Divorce Vs. Staying in a loveless marriage with kids.

This is an interesting topic, it really can put you in difficulty. I think we can find the right answer to this poll only in couples whit kids. Whatever decision you make, you end up suffering, you just have take the decision that makes less people suffer specially if we talk about kids. They are sensitive and have a totally different vision over things this is why divorce impact is much higher for them. I guess the only way to get out of this mess is to contact a marriage counselor and start a couple therapy, it could make you overcome these hard moments.
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Old 10-09-2007, 11:09 PM
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Re: Divorce Vs. Staying in a loveless marriage with kids.

I work at a family law firm and see people facing decisions like this every day.

personally, i would opt to dissolve the marriage as waiting 15 years or more is rather long, even for the sake of the kids. I am kinda an absolute person so....

Kris
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Old 10-22-2007, 11:41 AM
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Re: Divorce Vs. Staying in a loveless marriage with kids.

I'd stay in the marriage. Even if it eventually meant living apart and letting him have a separate life when we're older.
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Old 10-22-2007, 12:39 PM
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Re: Divorce Vs. Staying in a loveless marriage with kids.

QUOTE:
Originally Posted by kimpossible View Post
I'd stay in the marriage. Even if it eventually meant living apart and letting him have a separate life when we're older.
even if he started fathering children w/ another woman which would split ur kids' inheretance?
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Old 10-22-2007, 12:43 PM
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Re: Divorce Vs. Staying in a loveless marriage with kids.

That's a separate hypothetical. Loveless marriage, as the OP questioned, I'd stay. To answer yours, no. Any situation that put my child at risk, no.
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